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The FIRSTBORN Struggles


How should parents treat firstborns?

How families or parents should treat them? It’s a common trait for firstborns, so make sure you reassure them and pour them with the same amount of love and care as you give to the other newborn. Here are some tips for you to handle the negative traits of your firstborn:

Provide them with a normal amount of house chores
You can’t overload the proportion or task just because they’re older. Show the firstborn that ‘they can try to teach or mentor their siblings’ (it gives them a sense of becoming a good leader)

Don’t burden your firstborn with your unreal and so many expectations. It might lead them to become a perfectionist. Let’s see how the connection is built up:

If your children are people pleasers, then most of them will try to be someone that fits with people’s expectations just to get recognized or to feel accepted. Still, when they can’t perform well or can’t fill your expectations, they will feel miserable, feeling guilty, feeling that they’re unworthy. So on à, this character led to obsessive behaviour to strive for perfection, and it will not have positive results in the long run.

How you handle your firstborn differs from how you handle your other children. You should handle your firstborn like luggage that carries a ‘fragile’ tag.
A simple sentence that you often say to them “you are the oldest, you have to set the example,” could throw you a tantrum later because the sentence that the firstborn process isn’t the exact words that you have said, instead they tend to hear this “We want you to be perfect, and your siblings don’t necessarily have to.”

When you know that your firstborn has already done their best, don’t go behind them and fix it. If they knew that you fixed their work when you already praised them, they would feel that they weren’t doing well enough.

Have Quality time
You can’t neglect your firstborn just because you have other children. Before you have another child, you pour your firstborn with so much love, time, and care and shift it to your youngest child. At first, it’ll shock them, making them furious and hate their siblings.
Instead, you should give your time to be curious about their aspect of lives (friendship, relationship, school, etc.), make sure they’re not feeling defensive of your presence, and don’t bring up the role or responsibilities that you want them to hold, try to be their friends, and show them that you still care and want to participate in their life.

Tell them that you love your children equally, not because of what they do that makes you love them, but overall make them know that you’re feeling blessed with their existence.

Special privileges
Don’t only burden them with responsibilities and rigid roles. After giving them certain tasks, you can give them special privileges like giving them something they like or asking them what things interest them the most. You should give them a choice. 

Adjustment and build a specific culture (without letting your firstborn know)
You need to help your firstborn deal with their ego before going to school. Because if you hadn’t adjusted, it would be harder to have friends and start or build a friendship. Don’t let them feel alone. The parents bring them into the world, so you should learn to make them feel included if you’re parents. You’re one family, so it’s important to decide everything together.

Always teach them that the firstborn can’t always be the number 1, teach them about positive values, and don’t only expect them to achieve something. As the competitiveness grows, try to accept their mistakes, so they wouldn’t feel miserable and overly guilty when they can’t get what they want.

Accept their efforts
Don’t lower yourself just to make your kids feel good about themselves. Try to always communicate and know what they feel about certain things. What do your kids like? What do your kids don’t like, etc.? Don’t let yourself drag your kids with something that you couldn’t accomplish in the past.

Don’t give such huge praise too often, like “You’re the best artist, singer, dancer!” You know that the fact is not like that. Instead, accept and appreciate their hard work, “It looks like you worked hard on this album.” Highlight the process, not the result.

References

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