13 Get to Know “Covert Avoidance”

Continuing from the previous 1 Minute episode, “Why Makes It Hard to Make Friends?”

This second part will cover about:

1. Dimensions of loneliness.
2. What is “covert avoidance,” and how are we supposed to react to it?
3. What is the benefit of having a community?

In Marisa’s virtual TEDTalk, she mentioned three different dimensions of loneliness, which include:

• Intimate loneliness; is the desire to have someone to be very intimate with.
• Relational loneliness; is the desire to have someone that feels as close as our best friend might.
• Collective loneliness; is the desire to be a part of a community or group that shares a common goal. 

She also mentioned that “loneliness has the worst outcome if we compare it with having a poor diet or not exercising.” That’s one reason people do many unnecessary things when they are overly lonely. Every person wants to be heard, and we need someone to be by our side, no matter how poor our conditions are. Having one person that can support us in our ups and downs is truly a blessing. 

To find that one person, we must overcome “covert avoidance.” Don’t just blame the situation and hide away when someone approaches you. We need to have a beginning before hoping for a good ending. Not all people are negative or harmful. We don’t have the right to judge someone, and I know it is not easy not to judge people.

Be open to creating the flow. Because it will be weird if you run away when you meet someone. Brave yourself, answer and communicate appropriately. Remember not to think about how to impress people. All people have the exact need. If you want to be valued, others also want the same. So, make it happen. 

The next thing I will cover in this article is about having a community. Marisa recommends joining at least one community or group, even though we only have a little time. Joining something repeated over some time will lead us to experience unplanned interaction and share vulnerabilities, especially when that community is an activity you are passionate about. When engaged in a community, we experience what she called a “mere exposure effect.”

It’s a sudden effect when we start to like people just because they are familiar to us. I understand very well the awkwardness in every first meeting with someone. And it’s normal. But, when you experience that, it’s not your calling to sign out and hide away. Instead, it’s a sign for you to keep showing up and build your presence. After some time, they will like you more, and likewise, you will like them more.

That’s the end of the 2nd part of “What Makes It Hard to Make Friends.” See you in the next part.