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Anxious Niceness: The Hidden Trap That’s Silencing Your True Self

Hello to you who take the time to read this article. This time, I’d like to dive deeper into anxious niceness.

Here are some points we will cover in the following paragraphs:

  • Why being nice all the time can backfire on you?
  • How to be honest with yourself without being disrespectful to others?
  • What you will gain when you consistently being too nice?

So, without dragging any longer, let us start.

Being a nice person, we all know that it brings good results. We don’t have to argue about anything, and try to stay peaceful. Niceness is being normalized to adapt in our day-to-day lives, but practicing anxious niceness shouldn’t be.

Being nice is often equated with being accepted by the majority. We were not born to be nice, nor were we born to be evil. Our environment developed and trained us, from obedience into authoritarians. We live in a social world where we are constantly engaged in social interactions, and we are judged by the faces we present to the world. We are taught to be cooperative adults, and most of us will, in turn, teach the next generation.

The niceness is good to a certain extent.

Being nice all the time is not always beneficial, especially when your niceness leads you to give a fake or dishonest opinion. Sometimes being overly friendly can be equated with being a people pleaser, characterized by a fear of upsetting others, a fear of rejection, and an avoidance of arising conflicts. We have to know that “every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument.”

Anxious niceness happens when you are too afraid to give an honest opinion because you might offend the one who listens to it. Rather than providing straightforward remarks, you try to give vague compliments. These accumulated vague compliments will somehow hinder that person from personal and professional growth.

Just like a quotation from Brené Brown, “clear is kind, unclear is unkind.”

So, what’s the effect on you? Who’s being overly kind?

  1. You will lose your ability to be authentic, genuine, and express yourself.
  2. People think that you are too nice, and some of them might take advantage of you and use you for their purposes.
  3. You shut your voice down, and never be able to be the truest you. Suppressing emotions leads to a downgrade of your immune system and increases the mortality rate by 4x over 12 years.
  4. The anxiety and fear as a people pleaser somehow drain your energy and affect your well-being.
  5. You will pass down that habit, which perpetuates the cycle, causing it to repeat itself.

Next time, instead of giving a “fake nice” response, it will be better if you try these new methods:

When trying to give constructive feedback without being too brutally honest, you can ask open-ended questions to gather more information, allowing you to provide precise feedback.

Suppose you are new to a company and still feel reluctant to share your idea. In that case, you can start by stating something neutral, being honest, and still providing helpful information.

When someone gives you that “okayness” that you might think there’s more than just the “okay,” you can ask small questions to test the listener’s understanding and to uncover their unaddressed curiosity, and then you can address and provide the solutions or answers.

What about a self-silencing act? Giving no feedback or comments at all?

It’s as if you are pulling yourself away from any potential disruptive situation, because you only believe that whatever answer you have, you realize you can’t change the results, so you accept everything. The effect is the same: when you let yourself be steered with this kind of attitude and mindset, you kill your authenticity.

Here are some tips for having a better conversation, with the primary goal of maintaining a balanced amount of talking and listening. It’s from a TED Talk, introduced by Celeste Headlee.

  1. Be present, and don’t multitask
    Be content, don’t think about what will happen next, and what you did before.
  2. There’s always room to learn from someone
    Everyone you meet knows something you don’t. So, avoid lecturing and stating dead-end opinions.
  3. Use open-ended questions
    You can use 5W1H to encourage detailed responses.
  4. Let the rhythm flow
    Don’t stop listening, and don’t cut people’s words. Stay along with continuing with what’s in your speaking partner’s mind.
  5. If you don’t know, say that you don’t know
  6. All experiences are individual, and don’t equate yours with theirs.
  7. Don’t repeat, it’s boring.
  8. Stay away from being too detailed
    People are curious about you, not the timeline details
  9. Listen actively
  10. Be Brief
    Not wishy washy, and to the point. Short enough to keep the interest spark, but long enough to cover the subject.

I hope you read the article to the end, and I genuinely hope you can learn something and become a more active listener and a better conversationalist. See you in the following article.

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