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How Love Evolves: From Chemistry to Commitment

LOVE…

A word everyone knows but can’t define precisely.
A single word born of a spectrum—emotion, biology, experience.

Love is more than just a feeling. It is a spectrum that shifts, grows, and blends over time. To capture its depth, we use the metaphor of light: As light brightens the world, love brightens the heart.

Over time, love transforms in color and intensity. Like a rainbow, it appears when contrast meets clarity—when storms end, as rain and sun meet. Timing matters: without contrast, colors blur; without challenges, love stays the same.

Love isn’t static. It grows through joy, grief, pride, vulnerability, longing, and presence. Small gestures feel monumental. Quiet moments echo for days. Someone’s laughter warms us. Their absence sends us spiraling, and that’s just the beginning.

Each color reflects a different emotional tone.

  • ❤️ Red: passion
  • 🧡 Orange: warmth
  • 💛 Yellow: happiness
  • 💚 Green: peace
  • 💙 Blue: trust
  • 💟 Indigo: depth
  • 💜 Violet: mystique

Love’s complexity deepens as we face challenges together. Each color of love’s spectrum emerges through our life experiences. That’s explaining why one person’s understanding of love may differ from another’s. There are many versions of the rainbow, and as love matures, we need more than just a chemistry.

💡What Makes Love…. Love?

Psychologist Zick Rubin offered a way to distinguish love from mere liking. Liking is enjoying someone’s company. Love, on the other hand, includes a deeper emotional investment.

“It starts when we care about someone’s needs as our own, when their presence stirs us, and their reactions deeply affect us.”

Rubin identified three core elements of romantic love:

  1. Attachment – the desire to be close and cared for
    It includes physical closeness, emotional security, and the need for comfort and approval.
    (In early stages, women especially may experience intense emotional fluctuations.)
  2. Caring – Placing the other person’s happiness and well-being at the same level as, or above, your own.
    The instinct to protect, support, and nurture.
  3. Intimacy – The willingness to share personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
    This fosters closeness and trust, enabling both individuals to feel understood and accepted.

🌈 The Spectrum of Love

ColorEmotional ElementRubin’s TheoryHuman Experience
❤️ RedAttachmentDesire for closeness and emotional securityFeeling safe in someone’s arms, needing their presence
🧡 OrangeDependent NeedsExtension of attachmentRelying on them for comfort, validation, or emotional grounding
💛 YellowCaringWillingness to prioritize their happinessActs of kindness, sacrifice, and support
💚 GreenPredisposition to HelpDeep caring in actionHelping without being asked, anticipating their needs
💙
Blue		IntimacyEmotional transparency and trustSharing secrets, dreams, and fears
💜 VioletExclusivenessUnique emotional bondFeeling that no one else could replace this connection

Theories of Love: The Psychology of Love

Love has been explored through psychology, biology, and relationship science. Here are some foundational models:

💗John Lee’s Love Styles

Described love as a blend of styles, like colors mixing on a palette.

  • Primary styles:
    • Eros: passionate, intense
    • Ludus: playful and casual
    • Storge: friendship-based, natural affection, steady
  • Secondary styles:
    • Mania (Eros + Ludus): obsessive
    • Pragma (Ludus + Storge): practical
    • Agape (Eros + Storge): selfless
🧬 Love Is Also Biology

Love isn’t just poetry—it’s biology.
According to attachment theory, humans are wired to form emotional bonds. These bonds help us survive, grow, and connect. Mammalian attachment drives us to seek closeness, feel distress when apart, and comfort loved ones.

“It’s not just romantic. It’s parental, platonic, communal.”

We ache when loved ones are gone, and we feel relief when they return.

🍀Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Three components: Intimacy (emotional closeness), Passion (physical attraction), and Commitment (decision to stay).

Each combination form 7 types of love:

  • Liking: emotional intimacy without passion or commitment
  • Infatuation: physical attraction without emotional depth
  • Empty Love: commitment without intimacy
  • Romantic Love: passion + intimacy, no commitment
  • Companionate Love: commitment + intimacy (e.g., best friends)
  • Fatuous: Love passion + commitment, no emotional intimacy
  • Consummate Love: all three—passion, intimacy, and commitment
🕰️ Stages of Relationships
  • 0–6 months: Infatuation, exploration
    Balance excitement with realistic expectations.
  • 6 months–2 years: Adjustment, reality check
    Be thoughtful. Don’t avoid hard conversations. Build shared routines and responsibilities.
  • 2–5 years: Stability, deeper intimacy
    Accept each other. Maintain connection beyond physical attraction.
  • 5+ years: Acceptance, long-term bonding
    Appreciate the journey. All hardships become part of your shared “kintsugi.”
🌟 Love Lifecycle Spectrum

To combine and honor these theories, I want to share the Love Lifecycle Spectrum. This is not a formal psychological model, but a metaphorical framework I use to explore how love changes, from the first spark to a deep, lasting bond.

  • Phase 1: The Spark (0–6 months)
    • Dominant forces: Eros, Infatuation, Passion, Dopamine surge
    • “The body leads, the heart follows. It’s chemistry, thrill, and fantasy.”
  • Phase 2: The Shift (6 months–2 years)
    • Dominant forces: Ludus, Mania, Emerging Intimacy, Attachment behaviors.
    • “Play turns into patterns. You start noticing needs, fears, and compatibility.”
  • Phase 3: The Mirror (2–5 years)
    • Dominant forces: Storge, Pragma, Companionate Love, Commitment.
    • “You see each other clearly. Love becomes a choice, not just a feeling.”
  • Phase 4: The Rooted Bond (5+ years)
    • Dominant forces: Agape, Consummate Love, Long-term bonding, Acceptance.
    • “Love becomes a rhythm. It is less about fireworks and more about building a strong foundation.”

That wraps up this month’s article. I hope you found something meaningful here. Thank you for reading, and I look forward to sharing more with you next time.

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